Engage!

#FightLikeAGirl #Engagement 


Today's post is going to be short because I have a fever. Again. Sigh. But this is important and I want to keep up with it. Girls and women fight through our illnesses, injuries and pain. I'll go into why that is another time. When I'm not so sick, heh. For now, here is an excellent list of things you can do now to make the world better. Having each other's backs is more important than ever, now. If you can, try to find something on this list. If you can't, that's okay. Just keep #FightingLikeAGirl. 

Believe Us

#FightLikeAGirl #Education #EndemicPrejudice

We have to believe each other. That is the first, most important step toward empathy. If we don’t believe each other about our own experiences and our own feelings, we can’t learn from each other. If we hold onto our own experiences, beliefs and culture as the gold standard, we can’t learn from each other. If we refuse to accept an idea that we find uncomfortable, or that makes us feel guilty, we can’t learn from each other. If we can’t learn from each other, we can’t show empathy to one another.

So, when you say your part in the election was born out of frustration and pain and fear, I will believe you. When you say you just want to know something, I’ll believe you. When you say that you don’t know a better way to ask your question, I’ll believe you. When you say you didn’t know that something you did or said was sexist, racist, homophobic, etc, I’ll believe you. When you say you didn’t know that endemic privilege was a thing, I’ll believe you.

In return, I ask something very simple, but very hard to find: That you believe me. That you believe any marginalized person when they tell you their stories of oppression. If a person of color tells you that they experienced racism in a way you didn’t see, believe them. If a woman tells you she was harassed on the street, believe her. If a LGBT person tells you that they were hurt because of their sexuality, believe them.

Believe them - believe me - even if I or they have no other proof other than our word. Endemic and system prejudice and privilege are real. They do affect our lives. Those systems are the reason why the election happened the way it did. If you are privileged in some way, of course you won’t see it. But it’s there, and it hurts. Don’t hurt us more with your disbelief. That will just perpetuate the cycle of darkness and isolation that feeds the system of oppression for all. Injustice against me, is injustice against you. Understand that, and listen to us. Believe us.

Tell us in so many words, before you say anything else:

“I believe you. That must have been scary.”

“I believe you. I don’t understand, but your word is all the proof I need.”

“I believe you. I want to help you, but I don’t know how.”

“I believe you. I don’t experience it, but I believe you do.”

If we don’t do this for each other, we will become victims in isolation. If we do this for each other, we will become survivors as a community.

Believe. Us. I believe you.

Self-Care in Song

#FightLikeAGirl #Selfcare

I needed to hear this song today. It's getting scary out there. Nothing specific happened. Its just a feeling. And one i'll write more about tomorrow. For now, songs like this are good self-care. Anyone have any others that are like this or like Salute by Little Mix?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vg0dW0Z4WG4

Good Cop, Woke Cop

#FightLikeAGirl #Encouragement #Content:SexAssault

Before I get to the story: I’m going to put tags like that at the top of every post, and put them in the link descriptions on FB, Tumblr and Twitter. That way, people can make informed decisions about what they want to read.

So, today’s story of Encouragement actually happened yesterday, but it still counts. It was in my law enforcement class. We had just turned in a really difficult assignment on crime analysis. We were given the details of 10 sexual assault cases and asked to find the facts, and patterns between them. Intel teachers believe in dropping us in the worst of what we will see in a safe(er) classroom environment. That way we can learn how to deal with it. And, if we can’t deal, we can choose a career that will better suit us.

Anyway, the good part of this story is what the professor said on Friday. He was giving all of us some general feedback. Like, what a lot of people missed, and what we did well. He was talking about how to phrase things most accurately when he said something that made me want to cheer. He wrote “Only” S/A, “Only” 1 rape “Only” forced oral on the board.

And then turned to the class and said very seriously, “Men, Do NOT EVER say this. Do NOT EVER write this. Women, you do NOT have to accept this if they do. Rape and sexual assault are the worst crimes you can perpetrate. I worked sex assault for LAPD for three years and I saw the damage. I saw the trauma. This is the worst, meanest, most horrible thing you can do. Do NOT EVER downplay it. There is no “only” about it.”

I didn’t know whether I wanted to cry or hug him or shout amen. I didn’t do any of those things because it was the middle of class. Plus, Prof is a former LAPD officer and FBI agent. He’s been in law enforcement for 40 years and is not exactly the fuzzy type. But, he gets it. He stood up in front of a class and said so. He can be intimidating when he wants to be, and he wanted to be because this is important. Most importantly of all, he said it as a teacher. There are ROTC students and police academy hopefuls in the class. Now they know. And now they can teach others.

And yes, I do wish I could have stood up and said this and had the same impact. He’s a man. And a cop. And white. And so he was listened to where I wouldn’t be. But, he used that privilege to make the world safer for me and for everyone else. And that is worth holding onto right now.

#FightLikeAGirl

#FightLikeAGirl

Tuesday I was shocked. Wednesday I sobbed. Thursday I slept. But today, I start to #FightLikeAGirl. I’m heartsick, and sore, and have to do something. My plan is simple, yet ambitious. Our president and far too many men don’t value compassion, empathy, passion or emotional appeals. They think we should ask nicely and calmly for basic dignity. I say screw that. They don’t understand the power of a kind word, or a shared story. So, let’s teach them. Let’s #FightLikeAGirl. It also uses a lot of E words because I like alliteration. I can’t do it alone, though. I need support, even down to “Hey, I can’t do that right now. But I have your back while you do.”.

Empathy - The cornerstone value of this whole experiment. Nothing changes if I don’t try to understand other people. It’s easy for me to have empathy for people I agree with. I look at a battered and bloody protester who was attacked by police officer and I feel their pain. I look at a Latino family who is terrified of being torn apart and I ache for them.

What is far harder is empathy for the opposition. But, to succeed I need to that, too. Painting the opposition as irredeemable monsters won’t help at all. It just continues the cycle of violence. So, I am going to try to understand how the opposition feels, and try to give them a better way to react. I will look for and post stories from those on the other side. I will look for the stories of their fear and pain. I want to understand why they feel marginalized and what I can do better to reach others who disagree with me. I am going to look for the ones who maybe get it, or who are talking about their feelings and experiences and stories. I am not going to post those who are justifying their choices made in fear. I can’t reach them, right now. But there are others who do get it now or who could get it now with some patience and understanding. I want to hear from them.

I want to do this because people are complicated. People who are good, kind and compassionate believe and do terrible, hurtful things. I want to help then discover that empathy is for their opponents too. I can only do that if I am willing show empathy to them. I know that when I do, it may not work. They won’t want to listen because they are too scared or too ignorant or too much in denial. I’ll get laughed at and yelled at and worse. But if even one person listens and considers, I consider that a win. If one person hurts, we all hurt. If one person learns, we all learn. Because that person then goes and tells another person. They tell another. And another. Each one, teach one.

Encouragement - These are dark days for a lot of us, including me. I am scared and for good reason. Bigotry was justified and reinforced on Tuesday. A lot of people feel this gives them the right to attack, belittle, hurt and kill minorities, women, LGBT.  The president-elect does so why can’t they? I also suffered a grave disappointment. For the last eight years I saw hope win. I saw the incredibly change it bring to a country. Obama’s most important role was Healer-in-Chief. Despite obstruction from those who cling to hate, he has an amazing legacy. I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, we could become a more perfect union after all.

It’s hard to remember but make no mistake: all of that is still true. People who woke under Obama are not going to go back to sleep. People who found hope under Obama are going to cling to with both hands. A backlash election does not change this. IT makes it harder, yes. It makes it terrifying. But there are always people who help. Always people who reach out. There are still good Americans who get it, and who will make a difference. One terrible event does not erase all that. So I will be consciously looking for these stories. And I am going to link two right now because we all need it:

1,500 notes in the NYC subway were left by people expressing pain, outrage, love and not a few regrets. And this is as of yesterday, and the notes haven’t stopped.

$2.4 Million dollars to ACLU as of yesterday morning. The site crashed several times because so many people wanted to donate. $2.4 million dollars to protect us and fight for our lives from over 38,000 people.

That’s almost 40,000 people who GET IT. That’s small compared to the population of the USA, yes, and it's easy to think it won’t matter. But, it's a start. It's a pattern. When I hear a dozen people talk about the same oppression, I consider that a pattern. I think it's a crime if even one person feels that way, and that it's worth it to fight for change just for them. What we forget is that the same holds true for good things. 40,000 people is a pattern. $2.4 million dollars is a pattern. And if just one person donated one dollar or wrote one note, it would still be worth it to fight. It's a movement to be part of and be proud of.

So I will seek out and share encouraging news. It's a necessary self-care step. If I just focus on the riots and the cases and the policy I will despair and never try to help. I need to look for the happy, and remind myself why I want to do this.

Education - In order to change things, i need to examine what is happening that is so wrong, and educate others about it. The first thing is to get the definitions down. Then, explain the impact. This is hard for me to do because all of it is so personal. It can be triggering and painful to go through defining sexual assault and its impact as an exercise in education. But I do it because I know of many people who were yelled at by hurt and scared liberals. They were told how could not know, how can you not see? I understand that. I’m fighting for my life and sometimes I can’t give a 101 lesson on what that means and why it is. And there are a lot of people who just don’t want to know. No matter what, they refuse to understand why their premises and arguments just aren’t good. It gets depressing after a while.

But, there are people who will be allies if they are treated with kindness. I mean,  you can’t know what you don’t know. And given this culture, it's unlikely they will even know they need the education or have any clue on how to find it. I do know. It's imperative that I share that knowledge. My approach is to assume that a person is using offensive language or asking a question from privilege because they don’t know any better. So I begin by trying to educate them. If they don’t want to know, don’t care or don’t see it as a problem that becomes very obvious very quickly. At that point, I say goodbye. But, there are people who really just don’t know. And the ability to be the one to help them understand the world better and become a more empathetic person is amazing. It makes the other stuff worth it. It gives me hope.

And I’m not just going to stop at the 101 level. I’m an analyst anthropologist, so I enjoy taking apart various cultural assumptions, premises, ideals, ideologies, and how they lead to certain behaviors. I’ll definitely be talking about privilege, sexism, racism, original sin, religious fear, Christian terrorism, and all sorts of other controversial subjects. I am going to try to do this as respectfully as possible. I do not think Christianity or any religion as a whole is a problem. Religious beliefs lead people to help as much as they hurt. The way to encourage people to use their beliefs to help others is to expose where they are used to to hurt, and propose another way. I am also going to tackle pop culture and the messages it sends. I will be tearing apart authors and stories I know people love and cling to. Again, I will be as careful as I can to attack the ideas and the underlying bigotry. I will not demonize the fans. Pop culture is complicated. There’s usually a lot to love and a lot to hate in any given story. But, the way to make it better is examine where it fails and what the consequences are when it does.

This is going to be difficult and I expect a fair amount of backlash. I understand why. I am going to pick apart beliefs people have based their whole lives on. I’m going to be saying where it goes wrong. I am going to be critical of characters and stories people love and that maybe are a core part of their identity. I hope I can successfully separate the creation and its culture from the creator and the fans.

So if you are with me, let me know. If you aren’t, ask me questions and I will give you the best answers I have. I will do my best to be as fair and clear as I can. I ask that you do your best to consider my premises, especially when they conflict with what you think you know. Everything will be on Especially Snakes, and cross-posted to Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. Social media is an incredible tool for this.

Engagement - Stay with it. Stay with your life, stay with your work, your friends, your family. Talk to other people, and be part of their story. Find people who are having a hard time and talk to them. When you read something that makes you smile or makes you feel hopeful, let the author know. I read the apology of a man who was recently woke on Wednesday. It helped me stopped crying and hope that maybe we can all do this if we are together. Solidarity is everything. Being part of whatever community you are in is everything. Whether it's having conversations online, or leaving notes in books for people find, it's important.

And, keep engaging in all the things you like to do. Remind yourself daily of what you have that is worth fighting for. Some days everything just seems dark, and I can’t remember. So, I ask my friends to remind me. I pet my cat. I work hard in my education. I read books by authors I love. I watch silly things on TV. Its vital to self-care to do things that are good, and fun, and funny. It's not frivolous. It gives me something to hold on to and to fight for. It makes it easier for me to believe there are good things in the world.

I’m going to post, write, encourage, explore and educate myself and others. And I encourage everyone to do what they can. If you can't go out and join a protest or work for the ACLU, that’s okay. You still have things to give.  I live in a tiny corner of PA, and I’m in school full-time and have work-study to do. I am going to look up local groups, and national ones to see if I can work for them after graduation. But, right now, I can do this. I can talk to people. I can express empathy, I can offer education and I can offer encouragement. I would love to say I will do everything every day, but I know me. So, I will say I will do one thing every day. Either share or create content, encourage someone, listen to someone or education someone. I ask you to do the same. Even if it feels like too little, it's not. Remind yourself how important it is to have someone in your corner, and do what you can to be the same for someone else.